The Tiny Nuggets vs The Sideways-Eight Pile

So here's the deal in my mind right now now. Right now there's this huge pile of shit, and if I dig into it, there are a few nuggets of gold, but beneath it, lays an infinite supply of gold. I just have to clear it away. The gold that lay inside the shit doesn't even tempt me, but it really annoys me. I want to get to the real source of the gold, but it is more difficult than getting to the tiny pieces in the pile of shit. In order to get the real source of gold, I have to clean up the shit completely.

Mind-Stabbingly Angry (but not really)

That I want to stab it with a rusting jagged knife and watch it slowly bleed to death illustrates pretty clearly how angry I am with my own mind right now, or perhaps just a piece of it, for if I were angry with it entirely, I wouldn't be typing this; would I? That piece, we'll call it the emo-lobe for fun, is sending the purest form of ambivalence known to man directly into my emotional center at the most awkward times imaginable. At times when I feel worried, it decides to tell me that I also feel calm, and at times when I feel calm, it screams to me that I should also be worried. As a result, I don't know what to feel at times when I should feel something, and all of the parts of my mind besides the emo-lobe want me to be sure, so my mind is at a constant imbalance and will probably be so until the emo-lobe becomes more sure. 

Uppeeee

Life seems to be looking up for me right now, so I'm in a pretty good mood. What I'm trying to do is stay in that good mood as long as possible, so that the next time I hit it, it'll last even longer, and eventually, I'll almost always be in a good mood. Fun, right?

System Shlocking

I'm sick of thinking in such a depressive way, so right now I'm trying my hardest to get out of the system of thought patterns my brain currently occupies. It hurts my gut whenever I do it, but I have a feeling that it's supposed to. I have a feeling that it is somewhat similar to quitting smoking or video gaming, that it's gonna feel really bad to be out of it for a good while before it ever starts feeling good. I may not even notice when it starts feeling good, for it may be an "I got used to it enough." moment sort of like Stanley Yelnats's experience in "Holes," but I know that whatever pain I go through to get out of it definitely feels better than staying in it.