The real question I have for myself at this point is do I actually care about myself? Do I actually care about my feelings and what I want? I feel like I don't, and the things that I do are against myself and what I would wish of myself. I don't feel like I am myself, I guess you could say. I feel like a person stuck in the mud not because the mud is too sticky but because I've convinced myself that I want to be there, but somewhere in the deepest part of my soul, I know I don't want to be there. I know I want to be out of it. I guess I just have to make a decision. That's the only real way to get through these kinds of things. I have to make a decision to do the thing that I know I have to do but that I don't want to do at all because it will be me giving up control over myself. It will be me allowing myself to do what it wants, whatever that means. I think it has to be done, but it's so hard to do, you know? I feel like my world has been destroyed. I feel like the entire planet is wrecked. I feel like everything is non-existant or something.

This is so dumb.

I need to CREATE!

Perhaps there is such a thing as wasting time because all I want to do at this point is make things. I have spent so much time not making things that the only thing I can do right now is keep making things forever. It really sucks because I have absolutely no ideas. I have zero. I can’t even think of any kind of bullshit that I can think of. Why is this driving m e so fucking insane? I really want to know the answer. I’m not even using complicated words or metaphors anymore. I feel like I’m slowly getting stupider and stupider. I don’t know why I feel this way, but I do. I wish that I didn’t feel this way. It really really sucks to feel this way. I think that feeling this way is the worst thing that could ever happen to an artist, in fact, besides dying. I don’t know what else to say. I feel caged in by my endless need to create. I feel like the world is getting smaller and smaller. This box is crushing my freaking bones, but what the fuck do I do? Do I just keep not creating? I really can’t stand it any more. I have to create. I have to. I don’t care if it’s just a meta as fuck post like this. I have to create. If I don’t, I will go fucking crazy.

Why the fuck does the world not matter at all to me. I was about to type why does the world treat me this way, but I have no qualms whatsoever with the world. I have only qualms with myself. The only problem that I have with myself is that I’m not creating. It drives me so freaking insane I can’t even word it with words. My words are jello. My mind is turning into jello. My soul has been jello for a long time. What part of me is there left that hastn’t turned to jello?

All I can feel is this burning fire inside me that says CREATE CREATE CREATE! It’s so crazy that something like that exists. I didn’t think it was real, but it totally is. This fire burns in my belly until I start creating something. It’s possible to ignore it to the point where it almost feels like it’s not there, but it’s always still there. I really wonder if I’m even telling the truth at this point. I haven’t thought that hard of concepts like connotation and denotation in such a long time. It feels so weird to be using such standard words. I feel like the last time I learned a new word was such a long time ago. I don’t even know what’s going on in my head. I just need to keep on typing until the end of time. I don’t know if I have the ability to do it, but I’m going to keep on doing it.

Are you alive, or are you dead? The wave your brain gave to me that night told me that you are neither, but that doesn’t make sense in my current paradigm. Perhaps your paradigm is different. That’s possible. You do come from a different dimension. The alien bros you house yourself with are incapable of love, but so are so many humans in my dimension. Perhaps we should form an alliance. I think you understand what I’m talking about. I think the gloopy gorch that you’ve spent so much of your time running into has finally reached it’s collupsus.

Do you know why the psychology of your audacity astounds me so much? I wish you did. I wish you could see the look on your face when the whipped cream finally hits the fan. It’s priceless. Like one of those fisher price dolls you get at Macy’s. Were you there when we bought that huge box of them? I don’t think you were, but my memory of that moment is so fuzzy due to it being such a long time ago.

You are a rock falling down the hill and rolling into the pond. I am the pit that hold the water of the pond. Will you be my pond? My pond can only house the best of the best, you are aware. I have the best of the best going through my hair. My hair stares at you forever and ever and ever because I don’t know if you think I’m clever, but I’m totally not. I think you have the end of the wat. I am not doing this for anyone but me, but I’m going to do it anywee.

A fun little statement.

I have $300 dollars or more, and I didn't have to do anything to get it. This is freaking awesome!

Bucket List

I am very scared right now. I really really love being able to type my thoughts. I love the smoothness of my fingers as they glide along the keyboard. It gives me a feeling that it's worth staying here. I don't know how to put it, but there are thousands if not hundreds of thousands of things that I really love about the fingers. There is a thing that people like to call movement that really fills your heart with awesomeness. I don't know how to describe it, but I do know that there are things in this world that are difficult to explain. I don't know how to explain them, but they do exist, and since they exist, they should at least be filled with the most terrifying thoughts known to man. I don't know what I'm saying. I want to be free from worrry.

Help me

You want to know how I feel right now?

In short, I feel worried. I feel so worried that my hands are shaking, making it difficult to type this bunch of sentences that you are now reading. I feel really worried. I really don't want to feel worried though, but I don't know how to stop. I guess the best way to stop being worried would be to stop looking toward the future as something that is the most awful thing in the world and start looking at what I can do now in the present. I really don't want to talk about the reason that I'm worried, but I'm going to do so anyways because I feel that I need to.

I think I've finally found a way to define my problem

I've finally found a way to define my current problem. Basically, I've restricted my brain from doing anything freely (at least most of the time). I've gotten some rope, wrapped it around my brain several times, and put the rope in the grasp of some part of me that pulls whenever my mind starts wandering, which gives me a mental shock of sorts and keeps my brain from moving freely. As a result, my thoughts move sluggishly a lot of the time, and it's very hard to get invested in any task.

Decisions

I've just found out over the course of a few days that deciding for myself to do a task, aka choosing to do it with my will creates much more joy than being forced to do it or procrastinating by doing it. Even if a task is something I hate or something that hurts me, when I make it a point to  mentally make the choice (when I say along the lines of "I choose to do this." to myself), my

Waffles

Okay I just really need to get this out in the most haphazard way possible because I don't want to think of the perfect way to say it right now. I just want to say it.

I need to stop searching so hard for the absolute truth. That's what I've been doing for these past several months. I've been searching for the absolute truth when said absolute truth doens't really exist. When I try to watch a movie, I end up getting frustrated because I don't understand every little thing that is going on, because I don't understand the situation and dynamic 100% clearly.

I just figured out when it happens most often

I just figured out when this sadness thing happens most often, and I thought I should share it with you lovely readers. My mind goes into worry whirlpool mode most often when the energy is slowing down after a great expenditure of it, that is when I've used up a great deal of energy and my body wants to relax, to chill down, to tone down, that sort of thing. That is the time when depression has the most powerful influence.

The Juices of Sadness

Rolling down a hill

Swirling in a vortex

Pushed by the current

Automatic

The easy way out

There's surfing (riding the wave), and there's bailing (getting beat up by the wave)...

Blur blur blur

My mind is feeling blurry right now. My thoughts feel like they're trying to run through a neck-high swamp of thick mud because of the fear of failure that I feel right now. I don't want to fail. I want to succeed. I don't want to loose my job. I want to keep it. I don't want to not be able to pay rent. I want to pay rent. I want to. I want to. I just want to. I have no clue where this is going, but here we go.

And Now for some My Little Pony Fanficiton reading

Have a Listen 

It is only after a long time of reading something out loud that you figure out what type of reading voice you naturally tend towards using. It can be a miraculously coherent voice that pronounces every syllable perfectly like that of a news anchor, a colorful voice that seems to almost take sexual pleasure in the pronunciation and emphasisation of certain words like that of a poet, a comforting voice that the listener cannot help but relax and listen to until the end like that of a professional audiobook reader, or a mumbling voice that slips into a monotone drull after the first twenty minutes like that of a...uh, I don't know, the rest of the world?

Work

Okay, since I'm pressed for time (or at least my mind is telling  me that I'm pressed for time; it could most certainly be and is most likely lying, but I really am having fun typing this in a stupid stream of nothingness, so I don't care), I'm going to list the things I've learned about the way I think and what gets me motivated and various other things I've learned about psychology in this trip I unwillingly and unexpectly undertook a year and a half ago. Be warned: it will most likely only make sense to me when I read it back, and, I'm even stalling on this? What the hell is wrong with me?

What do I say, huh? I don't really know. All I know is things are getting progressively better for me, which is awesome.

Scanty Chord Shanty

I made website a few months ago, a sort of place to find the chord progressions to songs that are rare and unknown, and I called it the Scanty Chord Shanty. For some reason, the site is absolutely unsearchable on google (which is strange because it uses the freaking google sites engine!), so I'm going to post it here for the selfish reason of making it searchable.

https://sites.google.com/site/anivgchords/