Bucket List

I am very scared right now. I really really love being able to type my thoughts. I love the smoothness of my fingers as they glide along the keyboard. It gives me a feeling that it's worth staying here. I don't know how to put it, but there are thousands if not hundreds of thousands of things that I really love about the fingers. There is a thing that people like to call movement that really fills your heart with awesomeness. I don't know how to describe it, but I do know that there are things in this world that are difficult to explain. I don't know how to explain them, but they do exist, and since they exist, they should at least be filled with the most terrifying thoughts known to man. I don't know what I'm saying. I want to be free from worrry. I want to be safe. That's what I really want most. I want to be safe, but I really don't like that that's what I want most because whenever I try to be safe, my mind goes searching for a reason that I'm in danger. And it keeps searching for worse and worse things. I just don't know if I can just assume that I am safe right now. Or maybe I should just become safe. I should be fine with anything that happens to me. That's what I want to be.

My ideal self is someone who is so fascinated with everything that anything that happens to him, whether it be a painful cut or the great loss of some bodily functions or someone disowning him. Everything will fascinate him and everything is fun to him, even something terrible like cancer. He'd be like "Wow, so this is how cancer feels." and he'd be smiling like there was no tomorrow. Honestly smiling at that. My brain keep saying no to me.

I wonder why my brain keeps saying no. I'm gonna see what happens if I just keep typing my thoughts on this notepad. I'll see what's really going on, perhaps. I'm not sure if this shakiness that exists in my fingers is from fear or from some disease that's affecting me. My mind keeps on sending an electric signal down my arms that makes it difficult to willfully type, but it also makes it difficult to willfully hold still, so typing it is.

I live to be stronger. I live to become stronger. Strength is the thing that I own and speed is my pet. I know that I can become stronger, and I know that strength will help me achieve my goals. I know that this is the case, yet my hands feel cold. They feel like some weird energy is surging though them. Perhaps this energy is a test of my courage, perhaps its a psychological fear, perhaps something else. I don't know, nor do I care. I want to become a better person. I want to improve myself, so to do that, I'm going to let you guys know the things I want to do before I die.

Before I die I will experience love. I will know what it feels like to love someone else so much that I'd do anything for her. I will love someone else so much that I'll want to marry her. I'll eventually know what it feels like to hold that baby that we have together in my hands and feel that happiness that you can only feel in that moment, that combination of love and pride that results from knowing that the person you hold in your hands is one that you are completely responsible for creating.

Before I die, I will finish the comic book that I started working on. I will know what it feels like to finally write down the words "The End" and have them mean something wonderful. I will know what it feels like to have the world see my creation through the power of the internet. I will know what it feels like to have effected and inspired people through my work to do their own work even more powerfully. I will know what it feels like to say goodbye to a project I've grown to love over the years with a tear in my eye and pride in my chest. I will know what it feels like to start a new even more ambitious project from the inspiration of finishing the current one. I will know.

Before I die, I will finish the audiobook of "Eternal" that I started. I will know what it feels like to go through all of the emotions of all the characters in that special fanfic. I will know what it feels like to search for perfect timing, delivery, tone, and every other vocal quality and never find it, but always make progress closer toward it. I will know what it feels like to be proud of the progress I have made toward it. I will know what it feels like to finally finish a project that I started work on so long ago. I will know what it feels like to receive feeback, both bad and good from people I don't even know, but who know my work.

Before I die, I will voice act in an anime. I will know what it feels like to be forced into a specific kind of timing. I will know what it feels like to stand in that booth with a pair of headphones on my head and a director spewing commands into my ears. I will know what it feels like to become the characters that I play. I will know what it feels like to record take after take after take that I thought was great, but the director thought could be better. I will know what it feels like to see that the director is right and improve greatly at my craft because of it. I will know what it feels like to see that the director is wrong and be humble and diligent anyways. I will know what it feels like to watch an episode of the anime I voice act in with my family and friends, who are all as proud of my work as I am.

Before I die, I will voice act in a cartoon. I will know what it feels like to have fun with my voice in a room with people who are all like me. I will know what it feels like to improvise a scene. I will feel the magic of the performance when every single worry or thought disappears from my head, and we as a team are so in the moment that we forget where we are, who we are, what we are.

Before I die, I will have the main role in a play. I will audition; I will do my best at the audition; I will succeed at the audition, and the director will choose me to be the main role. I will know what it feels like to stand before a crowd of people without even paying attention to them because I'm so focused on my fellow actors around me and the parts they are playing. I will know what it feels like to take the last bow of all the cast and have the biggest round of applause.

Before I die, I will buy my own house. I will know what it feels like to go searching through the internet, through magazines, and of course through the actual homes themselves, deciding on which house and which location will suit me the best. I will know what it feels like to finally find that perfect house that has the perfect, large door at the entrance. I will know what it feels like to take a look at that perfect house and say to myself, "This is the house that I want to buy." I will know what it feels like to look the seller in the eye and say, "I would like to buy this house." I will know what it feels like to have enough money to pay for the house without any loans. I will know what it feels like when I finally receive the receipt that tells me the house is mine. I will know what it feels like to start moving into the house with the help of my friends and family. I will know what it feels like when the house has finally been settled into, and people want to come hang out in it all the time.

Before I die, I will act in a Hollywood movie. I will know what it feels like to successfully audition for a role. I will know what it feels like to be directed by a director sitting in a chair. I will know what it feels like to have several camera's on me and my fellow actors, the cameramen anxious to get just the right shot. I will know what it feels like when the director disagrees with a decision I have made in my acting and tells me to do it differently. I will know what it feels like when the director completely agrees with a decision I have made with my acting and gives me a compliment to let me know. I will know what it feels like to finally be done shooting the film. I will know what it feels like to be waiting for over a year for the editing, special effects, and all the other stuff to get completed. I will know what it feels like to attend the premiere of the film with my family. I will know what it feels like to see myself on the big screen. I will know what it feels like to have my acting judged by critics all over the world. I will know what it feels like to know that my face will be seen by millions of people all around the world. I will know what it feels like to finally see the credits roll. I will know what it feels like.

Before I die, I will cook a really delicious meal. I will know what it feels like to go shopping for the perfect ingredients. I will know what it feels like to ask my friends to help me in the cooking. I will know what it feels like to invite my other friends over to have some of the meal. I will know what it feels like to see the smiles on their faces when they smell the delicousness of the meal. I will know what it feels like when they all tell me how much they love it. I will know what it feels like when I finally have a taste. I will know what it feels like to know that I was able to make something that tastes that good.

Before I die, I will ride a horse on my own. I will know what it feels like to climb onto the horse alone for the first time. I will know what it feels like to awkwardly ride the horse, afraid for my life. I will know what it feels like to finally start getting better at it. I will know what it feels like when riding it becomes something I look forward to. I will know what it feels like to put my trust in the horse when I am tired. I will know what it feels like to gallop toward the sunset on the horse, screaming "Yee-haw!" all the way there. I will know what it feels like to ride for miles until I reach a destination. I will know what it feels like to get off the horse and nearly collapse from tiredness. I will know what it feels like to feed that horse before I feed myself and feel its appreciation of the meal. I will know what it feels like to lie down in bed, realizing that I finally rode a horse, and instantly fall asleep because of how tired my body is from riding it all day.

Before I die, I will do my own finances. I will know what it feels like to calculate all of the things I've spent money on. I will know what it feels like to have a high enough income to have to pay taxes. I will know what it feels like to make my payments on time. I will know what it feels like to have good credit. I will know what it feels like to send my taxes to the government. I will know what it feels like to know that I have contributed to my nation's wellbeing.

Before I die, I will be part of a band, and we will do a live performance before a huge audience. I will know what it feels like to wish my fellow bandmates luck backstage. I will know what it feels like to be nervous about failing backstage. I will know what it feels like when we finally walk onto that stage and see that many faces of enthusiastic people all cheering for us to play. I will know what it feels like to play a song, sing a song, and hear the audience sing along. I will know what it feels like to have the audience beg for an encore, and I will know what it feels like to give them that encore with passion. I will know what it feels like to be physically exhausted but mentally inspired after the show is finally over. I will know what it feels when I go home that day and lie in my bed. I will know what it feels like to go to sleep after having played songs for hundreds of people live.

Before I die, I will ask a girl out. I will know what it feels like to stand there, seeing how beautiful she is, contemplating how ugly I must look, thinking that I don't deserve her, thinking that she's way out of my league. I will know what it feels like to go and ask her out anyways, not caring whether she says yes or no. I will know what it feels like when she looks at me, laughs her guts out, and says no, making me feel terrible inside. I will know what it feels like when she says yes. I will know what my heart does when she says yes to me. I will know what my hands do when she says yes to me. I will know what it feels like to go on a first date. I will know what it feels like to awkwardly stumble over each other's words, both of us looking for something to say to the other. I will know what it feels like when I or she finally says that magic thing, speaks about that magic subject that we both share in common. I will know what it feels like when we suddenly burst into conversation, not being able to stop for hours. I will know what it feels like when I look at the time and realize that it's way too late to be doing this. I will know what it feels like to kiss her goodbye and say I had fun. I will know what it feels like to go to bed that night realizing that I just kissed a girl.

Before I die, I will write an amazing piece of music. I will know what it feels like when I suddenly get a burst of inspiration to start composing. I will know what it feels like when I'm struggling to make it sound good. I will know what it feels like to work for days, maybe even weeks on making it work. I will know what it feels like to get stuck, to not know what to do, but to not be willing to give up on the song. I will know what it feels like when I finally realize what the piece is missing and immediately fill it in. I will know what it feels like to show my piece of music to the world. I will know what it feels like to have people love it. I will know what it feels like to have people hate it. I will know what it feels like to be as proud of it as if it were my child. I will know what it feels like when someone really important to me says that its awesome. I will know what it feels like when I start working on more music because of how wonderfully this song turned out. I will know. I will know.

Before I die, I will know what it feels like to have a kid. I will know what it feels like when the baby finally comes out, and I get to hold him or her in my arms and know that he or she is a part of me, a part of us (my wife and I). I will know what it feels like to see him make his first movements. I will know what it feels like to feel him grabbing my finger and squeezing tightly. I will know what it feels like to hear him speak his first word. I will know what it feels like to see him start walking. I will know what it feels like when he starts going to school, learning and living. I will know what it feels like when he's sad and he comes to me for advice. I will know what it feels like to give him advice. I will know what it feels like when I make him feel better by giving him advice. I will know what it feels like when he becomes a teenager. I will know what it feels like when he wants to be alone and away from me and his mom. I will know what it feels like when he goes to highschool. I will know what it feels like when he tells me about his first kiss. I will know what it feels like when he asks me for advice about girls. I will know what it feels like when he grows into an adult. I will know what it feels like when he finally leaves the house and goes to pursue his career. I will know what it feels like to be proud of him and his career. I will know what it feels like when he comes to visit us. I will know what it feels like when he brings his special someone to visit us. I will know what it feels like when he tells me that he wants to marry her. I will know what it feels like when I give him my blessing. I will know what it feels like when I attend their wedding. I will know what it feels like when they have kids. I will know what it feels like to be a grandfather. I will know what it feels like when his first baby grabs at my finger just like he did. I will know what it feels like when his kids come to visit us. I will know what it feels like when they leave with smiles on their faces. I will know what it feels like to see them grow up into fine people. I will know what it feels like. I will.

Before I die, I will make it to Mars. I will know what it feels to design a ship that is capable traveling a long enough distance to reach the red planet. I will know what it feels like when we send our first expedition to the planet to take a look at it. I will know what it feels like when we start building buildings on Mars from Martian materials. I will know what it feels like to get on one of the ships that is going to travel to Mars. I will know what it feels like to wait for over a year on that ship with my shipmates, eager to see the red planet through our windows. I will know what it feels like to finally see it from a distance. I will know what it feels like to see it grow bigger and bigger and bigger until we finally reach the surface. I will know what it feels like to step onto the Martian dirt and look into the Martian sky. I will know what it feels like to walk on Mars. I will know what it feels like to live on a Martian colony. I will know what it feels like to require oxygen tanks at all times. I will know what it feels like when we finally find a way to make it inhabitable without space suits. I will know what it feels like to see the first bits of business start up on Mars. I will know what it feels like when someone plants fruit. I will know what it feels like to taste the first fruit planted on mars along with my Martian buddies. I will know what it feels like to be a Martian. I will know what it feels like to post to the internet from Mars. I will know what it feels like to have to wait much longer for the post to travel through space and finally reach earth. I will know what it feels like to have the same kind of delayed communication that existed in the 1800s with letters. I will know what it feels like to have my own house on Mars. I will know what it feels like to live on Mars with my family. I will know what it feels like to die of old age on Mars with my family happily watching me.

Before I die, I will visit Japan. I will know what it feels like to travel by train everywhere. I will know what it feels like to visit a shrine. I will know what it feels like to walk through that giant castle. I will know what it feels like to eat sushi made by Jiro. I will know what octopus flavored ice cream tastes like. I will know what it feels like to watch a movie in a Japanese movie theatre. I will know what it feels like to browse a Japanese video game store. I will know what it feels like to see many people reading manga instead of the newspaper. I will know what it feels like to visit the rural areas. I will know what it smells like near one of those ancient shrines. I will know what it smells like next to the sea. I will know what it smells like in a video game shop. I will know what it feels like to spend the night in a capsule hotel. I will know what it feels like to play competitively in a Japanese arcade.

Before I die, I will visit China. I will know what feels like to go walking through a giant bamboo forest. I will know what it feels like to spot a wild panda. I will know what it feels like to travel from one end of a giant city to the other by walking. I will know what it feels like to step in the wet marshes of the farm lands. I will know. I will know.

Before I die, I will visit Italy. I will know what the Sistine chapel really looks like. I will know what the Sistine chapel really smells like. I will know what the great churches of Rome really look like. I will know what it feels like to be in a city that has two cities two layers beneath it. I will know what it feels like to step into a huge temple. I will know what it feels like to run a red light. I will know what it feels like to buy food at a local market. I will know what it feels like to ride a gondola. I will know what it smells like in the floating city. I will know what it feels like to have Spaghetti at a classic Italian restaurant. I will know.

Before I die, I will visit Greece. I will know what it feels like to watch a Greek tragedy in the Amphitheater. I will know what it feels like to climb Mount Olympus. I will know what it feels like to hear a classical Greek story. I will know.

Before I die, I will visit Russia. I will know what it feels like to listen to classical bards telling tales from memory, constructing them as they go. I will know what a pot of Russian coffee tastes like. I will know.

Before I die, I will meet Sean Stephenson. I will know what it feels like to feel the energy he gives off from his personality alone. I will know what it feels like to ask him for help. I will know what it feels like to be amazed at how much insight he has about my problem. I will know what it feels like to thank him for his time. I will know what it feels like to shake his hand. I will know what it feels like to give him a hug. I will know.

Before I die, I will meet Hayao Miyazaki. I will know enough Japanese to be able to hold a conversation with him. I will know what it feels like to have a normal conversation with such a legend. I will know what it feels like to ask him what inspired him. I will know what it feels like to show him some of my work. I will know what it feels like to receive his opinion. I will know what it feels like to thank him for his time. I will know what it feels like.

Before I die, I will meet Jon Blow. I will know what it feels like to have an in-depth discussion about the future of gaming as a whole. I will know what it feels like to ask him for advice on one of my projects. I will know what it feels like to hear his opinion. I will know what it feels like when I wish him luck on his projects.

Before I die,  I will know what it feels like to have a career. I will know what it feels like to have a job that gives me enough money to support my family. I will know what it feels like to go to work everyday and be happy with it. I will know what it feels like to pay the bills. I will know what it feels like to assure my family that I can do so. I will know what it feels like to live a good life. I will know. I will know.

Before I die, I will know what it feels like to create a product that thousands of people use. I will know what it feels like to get the idea for the product in my head. I will know what it feels like to be driven to its completion because of how awesome it sounds. I will know what it feels like to spend a long time perfecting it. I will know what it feels like when I finally show it to the world. I will know what it feels like when over a thousand people appreciated it. I will know what it feels like when it somehow earns me money. I will know what it feels like to know that I created a product that over a thousand people used and loved. I will definitely know.

Before I die, I will write a novel. I will know what it feels like to get beyond the first chapter. I will know what it feels like to get beyond the second chapter. I will know what it feels like to break writer's block in half. I will know what it feels like to be halfway done. I will know what it feels like to be excited to write more. I will know what it feels like to want to perfect it. I will know what it feels like when I show the draft to someone important to me. I will know what it feels like when I receive advice from him or her. I will know what it feels like when I'm finally done and I try to publish it. I will know what it feels like when I finally find someone willing to publish it. I will know what it feels like when I see it in Barnes and Noble. I will know what it feels like when someone thanks me for writing it. I will know what it feels like when someone besides me enjoys reading something that I wrote. I will know what it feels like to be asked for advice on writing. I will know what it feels like to give the right advice. I will know what it feels like. I will know. I will surely know. YES!

Before I die, I will animate an amazing music video. I will know what it feels like to be so inspired by a combination of melody and lyrics that I can't help but make a music video out of it. I will know what it feels like to roughly draft the music video in my mind. I will know what it feels like to thumbnail each and every frame I want to see. I will know what it feels like to see the whole thing coming together clearly in my head. I will know what it feels like when I'm finally happy with the thumbnail draft. I will know what it feels like when I show the thumbnail draft to my friends. I will know what it feels like when they tell me what they really think about it. I will know what it feels like when I start the actual animation process. I will know how hard it is to actually finish the animation process, but I will know what it feels like to finally reach the finish line. I will know what it feels like to share my creation with the world. I will know what it feels like to share my creation with the original authors of the song. I will know what feels like. I will know.

Before I die, I will make over a hundred great, amazing, caring, creative, and wonderful friends. I will know what it feels like to actually go through the process of making friends. I will know what it feels like when I finally start talking to people and finding out their likes and dislikes. I will know what it feels like when I find out that one of those people is an awesome person that would be awesome to hang out with. I will know what it feels like to hang out with an awesome friend. I will know what it feels like to help out an awesome friend when he or she is in need. I will know what it feels like to receive help from an awesome friend when I am in need. I will know what it feels like to have a best friend. I will know what it feels like to help a best friend. I will know what it feels like to be helped by a best friend. I will know what it feels like to have over a hundred people to hang out with and not be able to decide which one I want to hang out with because they're all so cool. I will know what it feels like when an awesome friend tells me what he or she really thinks about something I did, whether or not it will make me happy. I will know. I will know.

Before I die, I will walk the entire Appalachian Trail. I will know what it feels like to walk all day and be tired enough to instantly fall asleep on the hard ground. I will know what it feels like to live off of trail mix for a few days. I will know what it feels like to truly be thirsty. I will know what it feels like, philosophically, to spend that long of a time walking. I will know what it feels like when I reach each state. I will know what it feels like when I only have a hundred miles to go. I will know what it feels like when I finally reach the end. I will know what it feels like to walk with fellow walkers. I will know what it feels like to be given a nickname. I will know what it feels like when its finally time to go home. I will know. I will know.

Before I die, I will do all these things, and many more I have yet to even dream up, so the best time to get started is now, right? YES! WOOOOOO!