A fun little statement.

I have $300 dollars or more, and I didn't have to do anything to get it. This is freaking awesome!

Bucket List

I am very scared right now. I really really love being able to type my thoughts. I love the smoothness of my fingers as they glide along the keyboard. It gives me a feeling that it's worth staying here. I don't know how to put it, but there are thousands if not hundreds of thousands of things that I really love about the fingers. There is a thing that people like to call movement that really fills your heart with awesomeness. I don't know how to describe it, but I do know that there are things in this world that are difficult to explain. I don't know how to explain them, but they do exist, and since they exist, they should at least be filled with the most terrifying thoughts known to man. I don't know what I'm saying. I want to be free from worrry.

Help me

You want to know how I feel right now?

In short, I feel worried. I feel so worried that my hands are shaking, making it difficult to type this bunch of sentences that you are now reading. I feel really worried. I really don't want to feel worried though, but I don't know how to stop. I guess the best way to stop being worried would be to stop looking toward the future as something that is the most awful thing in the world and start looking at what I can do now in the present. I really don't want to talk about the reason that I'm worried, but I'm going to do so anyways because I feel that I need to.

I think I've finally found a way to define my problem

I've finally found a way to define my current problem. Basically, I've restricted my brain from doing anything freely (at least most of the time). I've gotten some rope, wrapped it around my brain several times, and put the rope in the grasp of some part of me that pulls whenever my mind starts wandering, which gives me a mental shock of sorts and keeps my brain from moving freely. As a result, my thoughts move sluggishly a lot of the time, and it's very hard to get invested in any task.

Decisions

I've just found out over the course of a few days that deciding for myself to do a task, aka choosing to do it with my will creates much more joy than being forced to do it or procrastinating by doing it. Even if a task is something I hate or something that hurts me, when I make it a point to  mentally make the choice (when I say along the lines of "I choose to do this." to myself), my

Waffles

Okay I just really need to get this out in the most haphazard way possible because I don't want to think of the perfect way to say it right now. I just want to say it.

I need to stop searching so hard for the absolute truth. That's what I've been doing for these past several months. I've been searching for the absolute truth when said absolute truth doens't really exist. When I try to watch a movie, I end up getting frustrated because I don't understand every little thing that is going on, because I don't understand the situation and dynamic 100% clearly.

I just figured out when it happens most often

I just figured out when this sadness thing happens most often, and I thought I should share it with you lovely readers. My mind goes into worry whirlpool mode most often when the energy is slowing down after a great expenditure of it, that is when I've used up a great deal of energy and my body wants to relax, to chill down, to tone down, that sort of thing. That is the time when depression has the most powerful influence.

The Juices of Sadness

Rolling down a hill

Swirling in a vortex

Pushed by the current

Automatic

The easy way out

There's surfing (riding the wave), and there's bailing (getting beat up by the wave)...

Blur blur blur

My mind is feeling blurry right now. My thoughts feel like they're trying to run through a neck-high swamp of thick mud because of the fear of failure that I feel right now. I don't want to fail. I want to succeed. I don't want to loose my job. I want to keep it. I don't want to not be able to pay rent. I want to pay rent. I want to. I want to. I just want to. I have no clue where this is going, but here we go.