See the see from the nose of complexity.

I don't feel like working right now, so I'm typing some fun little groups of letters to get myself into feeling like working. I know that I can if I do this, so I am.

The world is so mixed up sometimes, and right now my brain feels like a gray mess of jelly and blood. I know what I believe in, and I know what I like doing, but I don't feel the feeling of animation when I try doing or believing those things. I feel like they've run dry or something, but I know deep down that that is a lie, that they are in fact probably all still there. I know that I can do what I want to do when I want to do it. I just want to feel like I want to do it when I want to do it.

Back to what I said in the previous blog, because I love repeating myself over and over again, my brain is testing me, seeing if I truly do have the feelings that I do by giving me a feeling of dryness when I do the things that I want to do. I wonder if that's really true. What else could it be? Do things that inspire you suddenly disappear from all of existance? Is there a limit to the things that can inspire me? Perhaps I don't want to know the answer to that question, or perhaps the answer to that question is yet to be decided upon and what I do right now in this time, not what I've done already, is the deciding factor.

If that is the case, then I'd better get working. I really want to feel good when I do stuff and I know that this is one way of doing it. I need to push myself beyond this narrowly built wall my mind has set before me. My mind doesn't want me to give up. My mind wants me to become stronger, to be able to shatter the wall by ramming into it continuously, or perhaps my mind wants me to use some intellectual knowledge to get beyond the wall. Perhaps it never wanted me to try breaking through the wall, but rather find some way of climbing the wall or borrowing under it (my love of metaphors still thrives, I see). What should I do?

I want freedom from this feeling of gray matter. I want freedom from this vacuum. I want freedom from my own shadow. I want to become a man and learn to adapt to my situations. I'm tired of this game that I'm playing with myself. I'm tired of having to use this small part of my brain that actually wants what I want to use every instance of thought. I know my brain is much more capable than this. What it's doing right now is only a fraction of its potential, but all of that potential seems impossible to reach, perhaps too high, perhaps too low, perhaps too guarded by my own sense of guilt. I said that it SEEMS impossible to reach because I think that this is only a facade, a simple mask that I'm forcing myself to wear, a mask that I can take off anytime but am to afraid to try. I feel ready to take it off, but my hands are shaking and telling me no. My eyes are used to the darkness it brings to my face, but I know deep down somewhere that they also yearn to see the light, perhaps they yearn it even more than I do. My brain wants to become smart, but I'm blocking it somehow.

There must be someway to unblock it, maybe an easy way like singing a song or saying a phrase in my head, or maybe a hard way like saying a phrase in my head until it sticks. My knowledge right now of this topic doesn't give me which option out of the many I've found that might work will actually work. Perhaps they all work in some way and they have to be used in combination to bring about the full effect. On the other hand, perhaps they are all separate paths, and I am standing in the middle of a crossroads, and ever time I switch paths, I end up loosing all of the ground I gained on the previous path. I want to know which of these is the case, because they're completely freaking opposite of eachother.

How can it be that so many different ways to view viewing  a problem exist? Their like a bunch of battling species, each trying to attain evolution quicker than the other.

Am I really helping myself by typing out these really repetitive words? I think I am, for I am noticing when I repeat myself. Everytime I notice that I am doing so, I say something different than I would normally say just to get myself out of the constant pattern, the system of my brain and expand it a bit more. I'm even starting to notice a myriad of the same words used over and over as well. How many times have I gone about talking about my mind in this manner? It's difficult to say to me.

So if I'm catching sight of the various cliches of my prose, does that mean my net of mind checking also captures at least a few of the repeated thought patterns that plague my brain as well? I think so because it is a positive happening and because I know I am smarter than I am projecting myself to be through this prose that I write right now. Heh heh, write right is quite a hilarious combination of words to the right brain.

Wow, whenever I mix up the ponds like this, I feel like I'm actually moving toward the finish line. Speaking like myself feels so good, wow. And it actually tires me out, for I have to actually use the little particles of energy in my brain, the long lost friends whom I have neglected for so long. What a family reunion this is turning out to be. Brain juices are starting to mix in the right way, toward the goal rather than in the donut they were previously investing themselves in. The sentences are beginning to breathe again, to feel like little children of mine that I cherish and adore. Making these kind of statements that may not make sense in your thought process is incredibly stimulating. I never use the word  stimulate, do I? It is that I feel bored, isn't it. I think I'm so bored that I have to build a new medium of getting my thoughts onto the letters that I type. My boredom is evolving me right now and it feels astronomical. How do such clusterfucked thoughts suddenly become as ordered as the marines marching across a bridge? Maybe some sort of anti-boredom leader has decided to rise above them and give them each a worth doing task, or maybe I'm going into a whirlpool and experiencing the flow.

This is joyful. I need to do this kind of thinking more often. My current armor is weak because it is made of soft thoughts that have no sense of vision or imagination. The thoughts that enter my head have been going through some sort of simplicity filter sort of like wikipedia simple works, and that's why I haven't been able to be inspired by anything. Well, I'm tired of reading simple wikipedia every time I want to know something. I want to read real wikipedia. I don't care if I don't understand what I'm reading completely, for that is what learning is. Learning is reading something you don't understand, drawing something you don't know how to draw, doing something you've never done before, singing in a way you've never sung before, feeding your brain new information rather than old information. I want to learn now. It does inspire me to learn. I know why I don't feel ready to action when I type words that are useless now. The reason is that the words I type are useless, so there's no point to feel anything while typing them. If my words have no meaning, I won't care that I'm typing them. Whenever I type something, or even think something, I have to assume that that thought or that fraction of prose has a meaning, a true cause for being, in other words that it's worth typing or thinking.

It has to be interesting, and advanced. Not advanced to everybody, by no means, for every person has a different pair of eyes, some outside of the literal sense and into the metaphorical. My writing needs to feel advanced to me. It needs to feel like it's actually making progress forward, that I'm having fun while doing it, perhaps. I want to get more meaning from writing than just random blurts of inspiration. I want the current processing power of my thoughts to go through a cpu upgrade. I need to learn. I will learn till the day I die and beyond the day I die if I can. I love learning more and more, for knowledge makes me feel alive, makes me feel that life is worth living to its fullest. I feel bad that I haven't been learning and have been wasting my time circling around a stupid pole in attempt to get rid of it when it's really more liable to fall on it's one without my constant watch of it. After all, a watched pot never boils, or takes a long time to boil. Perhaps the original speaker of that phrase was actually referring to the mind and how it works. If you watch a pot in your mind, it will never boil might be a better way of putting it. So I'm going to stop swimming laps in the pool of poison. I'm tired of playing that game. I'm getting out and going to the lake, or perhaps taking a drive to the sea. I don't want to live my life like tomorrow is a dreadful thing that I'd rather avoid. I'm tired of doing that. I want to get out of this useless circular system of thought that will only lead to a quick death of my own confidence which I can see over the horizon. The circle I'm making is widening, and the rope that's holding me is getting weaker. I can feel the trying force of my brain pushing out at the walls that are trying desperately to contain it. I can see the light through the cracks, the dawn over the mountains. I can feel the lightswitch. I have seen the map. I'm tired of living a live without such beautiful metaphors and similies that make it wonderous, without ever seeing the true beauty of a person or of a loved one, without feeling the feeling of any feeling that is but for myself. I'm tired of flying around in a plane that doesn't want to fly. I'll build my own fucking plane if that's the case. And you know what!? I'll make it better! I'll make a plane so damn good at flying that nothing will be able to stop it, and so good at landing that any terrain will work, even the tough terrain that looks impossible will be possible, no, IS possible.

That is what I'll do. I'll break out of this decrepit, soul-eating, selfishness-fueled, system of regret and start riding toward the finish line. My place doesn't matter, for my life is my place and if I live in last place, than I place in first. (that's some of that hindu philosophy for ya, heh heh)

I'm ready to go. I'm ready to work to my fullest. I'm ready to use more complicated words and phrases than, "I don't know," or "Why is this happening," or "Am I alive." I am set to evolve, and I'm ready to roll. Lets rock this world and all of the people in it and scream at them that we are alive. Lets show those alien races that we are a species of HUMAN beings! Lets be the best we can be. Lets soar on the sky like our language so readily requests of us! YAHHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!