Motivation Droppage

I really really don't feel like writing a blog today, which means that I actually really really do feel like doing it, so be prepared to be amazed at how motivated I can make myself by simply writing the way I feel right now as if I felt like a hero of the world that had no troubles whatsoever.

But, wait a minute, heroes are born to face trouble. A hero without any struggle is like a dog without any legs, still a hero, but not nearly as easily recognizable. I guess that makes me the greatest hero of all time, for my struggles feel like they may never end. However, I know they will end at a certain time because know that my mind is stronger than ever and that nothing will ever come in the way of it achieving the goals it wants to find.

I don't even like the way I fell into this situation. It's all my fault. (and no, I'm not going to tell you what the situation is; you'll have to figure that out for yourself, dolt!) If only I hadn't done the thing I did, I'm sure I wouldn't even be close to the place I am now. It's like I jumped into a pool before learning how to swim, and, like a dumbass, sank and begged for help that never came. I feel like I'm sinking, drowning, and that it's only a matter of time before I die. Could this possibly be true? Probably not, says one side of my brain, but probably so says the other, and that OTHER side is the one that seems to have all of the control. It's really really pissing me off, man! I really really need to heal, but for some reason, that section of my brain won't fucking agree with me! It won't, and nothing I do or say seems to give it any heed. Why does it have to have all of the fucking power!? Why the fuck does it have to have control of all of the sections that seem to matter when I'm in the moment!? Why the fuck do I continue to let it do that?! I don't know the answers and I can't seem to find them no matter how hard I try. It's killing me, man! I'm tired of this! It's been three fucking months and the status of quoe hasn't changed significantly at all! I need this! AHHHHHH!

Ideas can be good or bad, but how come when the bad ones take over, there seems to be no way to get the good ones back on top?! How come every time a freaking good thought pops into a badly sickened head, doubt flies at it in all directions and fucking ensnares it and silences it within minutes!? I want to be happy, damn it! How can I do that when my fucking brain operates this way!? I can't fucking enjoy the little things in life at this point! I've tried the fucking positive thinking thing!

I've tried the positive writing thing, and they don't do shit! Do you want to know why? Because my negatively charged brain seems to have the power to doubt any positive thing will last. Even when I'm extremely positive, even when I think for one instant that nothing negative could possibly affect me, there's the fucking sliver of doubt that hides somewhere very inconspicuously in the electbuzz of my brain waves and comes out the minute I'm about to reach real genuine happiness.

It's like there's a bunch of freaking traps set in my brain that wait until I'm just about to be happy about something and spring the minute before I reach that happiness. If this is true, how the hell am I supposed to reach the fucking happiness!? How the hell am I supposed to do it even if I know the traps are there!? I've tried counter traps to some avail, but hardly any. Albeit, I didn't really try them for that long seeing as I just came up with the idea a few days ago, but why do they seem to do nothing? Is it because I'm not using them enough? Is the bad part of my brain trying to trick me into thinking that they won't work when they really will, is it that part that made me not feel like writing this fucking blog at all, and now that I'm writing it, is trying to make me explore as many bad themes as possible so that it can continue it's fucking sleezy-ass reign?

Now there's a question that makes me happy.

Hahahha. I hear the doubting side already, but whatever, I can ignore it for the time being, for maybe my brain is just trying to trick me into thinking something that I really don't want to think like it's succeeded at so many times up until now. Man, I'm so sick of this. How come I can only feel happy, or motivated when I really start typing at this stupid blog or on the stupid notepad about my troubles?

I don't want to talk about troubles at all really, I hate talking about troubles, but apparently people love to hear other people talk about their troubles, especially if they happened in the past, that shit is hot, man! You know, that's the reason that I made this blog. It's sort of my account, the visible proof of my troubled existence that's currently happening at the time, or maybe it's just a way for me to escape into a pile of letters and numbers, well not really numbers, maybe symbols, yeah, symbols: a way for me to escape into a pile of letters and symbols certainly sounds much better. Yeah. I feel okay and perfectly motivated to continue typing. I don't know what about, but whatever, right?

What's really annoying about this whole typing escapism thing is that it really is a form of escapism; I'm supposed to be doing something else right now. I'm supposed to be learning how to fucking make internet pages look cool and work well. I'm supposed to be making some fucking money so that I can live well, but the reason that I'm not doing it is that I can't seem to get my self motivated to do it (See, I was able to get back to the topic, unlike some others that I'm sure exist, coughrandompeopleinmybraincough).

Maybe, like typing this blog, I just sorta have to do it for a while until I really get into the internet programming stuff; it's worked before. But why can't it last a long time, man? I really really really really want to enjoy my work, and I know that my brain is capable of getting me there, but it, for one reason or another, doesn't want me to do it, and that sucks, big time! Come on, is there anything else I can say? I guess not.

Are you enjoying this fanciful mess of text, invisible people, who perhaps only exist within my imagination until someone real actually shows up? I hope so, 'cause I'm probably not gonna change the way. Who knows? Maybe my writing will get better as I keep doing this. Anything's possible. Maybe I'll feel better the minute I stop this blog; maybe perfect alignment of brain and will will align like a beautiful Greek painting of some sort and I'll never have to touch this blog again. I can never say with immediate accuracy what may or may not happen in the future, I can only guess in a very digitized manner that often ignores some of the most important factors, like the strength of will and all that aesthetic claptrap (oh John Cage, how awesome art thou).

Well, this is the end for now. Goodbye readers. Hope you got some form of entertainment from my hyperscribble of ravinous sketches portraying the alphabetical characters we all know and love (hey, maybe sometime soon I'll write a metaphor that actually makes sense; keep your fingers crossed)

Peace (even though I, along with a ton of the world really think the concept is boring deep within our hearts).