Value

Boy oh boy, I need some value in my life. I need something that's worth living for. The position I'm in right now could either appear as a blessing or a curse depending on how I look at it. I constantly need to be doing something, or I'll slip into some eery state of depression that tries its hardest to suck the life out of me at a slow and agonizing pace, so watching things like thatguywiththeglassess and Lee Doren, and paulsego and the like is entertaining, and yes, it fills that gap of need, but those things don't last for that long. I mean, what does Lee Doren make one video per week or some crazy junk like that? And thatguywiththeglasses on which only a few shows I like exist that happen to take usually more than a week to do? And, paulsego? Once a year!?

Man I really hate the way I'm typing right now. Geeze, it's annoying me. I guess that's a good thing, for it may lead me to improve my expression of the english language, aka grammar to the point where I'm an English major or some jazz like that.

I think the problem right now is that I'm thinking as I type and I'm typing in sort of a stream mode, a here and now mode, without so much as a glance at what I did before. This mode of thinking makes me mad, because as I do this writing, I notice that my thoughts aren't being expressed clearly in part of it, to which part of me says, "Why does it even matter? This is just a stupid blog that no one reads?" but the other part of me screams, "Come on man! You can do so much better than this!" I think I'm beginning to listen to the latter a lot more than I've been doing in the past few months, which is a good thing in my eyes, as it tells me that I'm improving, that I'm slowly climbing my way back up out of the abyss of "I can't do anything right." and "Why even bother?"

I'm starting to care. Thank God I'm starting to care, for it's given me a drive to change my habits from bad ones of looking at the bad side of things always and focusing on that bad thing until it drives me mad, to looking at the good things in life and using them as anchors, posts, checkpoints on the way towards the exit of this lingering sadness, ie happiness, or, as I advocate the phrase "Brevity is the soul of wit," joy.

Goodness gracious, look at the time. I've got to go. Hope ya read this with some thoughts in your head and listened to it as hard as you could. Good luck with life and all the (")gifts(") it offers (oh man, I love the implications of that, so awesome).