WHY AM I SO UNDRIVEN?!

Dammit dammit dammit! What the hell is going on in my head!? I feel like doing nothing! It sucks; it really really really sucks. I need to be inspired. Why is this stupid fucking demon stealing away every ounce of happiness I can bring out from my store? Why do I have a freaking store and not a factory is a better question, I suppose. Man, I'm so afraid right now. I'm all shaky and shaky because I really feel like an irresistible force is pulling my brain to a place of sadness and boring. I need to get out of this right now, so until I'm awake from this nightmare, I'll keep typing.

Jeeze, what do I love doing with my time? I need something to do that distracts me from this crap that's bothering me. I need to do something man. Why is there nothing to do. Have you ever wondered why people think about killing themselves? Me too, and I still can't figure it out. I would never kill myself even if I had the most depressing lifestyle on the earth. I mean, geeze, who else needs to die when you feel like the...what am I saying. Sorry, this is gonna be a bit hard to read if you haven't realized. I'm just typing the things that go directly through my mind, or perhaps indirectly through some sort of wacko metaphorical tunnel that leads to knowledge about how the inside of my brain is designed and what problems exist when I see them fly.

Dude have you ever like seen a cloud that walked on a big axe? I have, and I know that I'm only doing this as a form of escapism from my work, but I really have to do something to get my mind running thoughts that don't have to do with "I'm doomed." or "It's over." etc. I know that I have a brain and I know that I can think whatever I want to think, but why can't I control whatever I want to control? How do thoughts work by the way?

I've come up with yet another quack theory of how thoughts work in relation to feelings. Are you ready for it? Good! Here it is. A single thought has a certain emotion attached to it and therefore connects to other emotions that are attached to it which connect to other emotions attached to it and so on. Each time a thought has the same or a simlilar emotion as another thought, they both end up getting stronger by binding together. Concepts perhaps are just the binding of several thoughts together, making there be no root in it whatsoever. I really wish I hadn't explored that, I really really do, now that I think of thoughts in this way. I apologize if I seem vague, but that's just the way this text types. Man oh man, what else did I have to say.

Solving my problem, in this theory, is a matter of arranging my thoughts so that they make a specified outcome. I wonder if I can change the feelings that are associated with thoughts that already have strong feelings associated with them. Why do I feel so bad? I really really really don't want to give up on this quest of taking control of my thoughts, but it's so hard. I need to make the temptation to give up go away somehow and never come back, but how. I need inspiration, drive, something to push me forward. I had this a while back, but one way or another, it completely disappeared from the face of my brain, or at least the surface, for maybe it's burried somewhere deep down and all I need to do is dig it up.

Well, why not try digging it up right now as I type this? I've got something better to do, but I can't get driven to do it, so here we go. I'm digging down into the inspiration machine that lives in my brain. Lets see, what inspires me? I am inspired by storytelling. I really like it when a story is told really well, and I forget that I am me and that I am watching, reading, or hearing it. That happened to me and stuck in my memory very good once when I was watching "The Island of Dr. Merou" or however you spell it; I really don't feel like looking it up. Anyways, it was the scene when the Dr. scientist dude locked the drifter dude in a cage and put the dna of an animal in him to see if he would transform into an animal. Days passed, you know in seconds of movie time, and he slowly started becoming more animal like, and the doctor, throughout these passing days, began to slowly treat him more and more like an animal. On this particular day, the day that I'm really talking about in the storytelling sense (I know that this makes absolutely no grammatical sense, but bear with me), he gave the drifter dude a live animal to eat, which he refused to eat. The dr. then said something like, "When you're hungry enough, you'll eat it." and he waited. Sure enough, the animal started to look more and more tasty as the hours passed, but the drifter still refused to eat it. Then the doctor said something about the drifter starting to forget his past memories as a human and stuff like that, to which he retorted with great difficulty by recalling a sledding trip he went on when he was young. This was the most emotionally gripping part of the entire scene and it stood in my mind for hours after the movie finished. The acting was incredible.

Yeah, so that's one thing that inspires me to love storytelling. Lets see; what else is there? Richard Harris in the movie Juggernaut was really good. He was playing as a bomb defuser or something like that, and I thought that he was going to do it terribly, for what could he possibly know about defusing bombs? But when I saw him on that screen he instantly convinced me that he knew what he was talking about when he used the jargon of his work or whatever.

Jeeze, I know it's really hard to express myself when I'm angry but I have to, right? Otherwise, I'll end up thinking really hard about shit that I'm tired of thinking about that seems to get forcibly repeated in my head over and over again until it starts trying to remove my memories. Well, I can tell you this much right here and now, it's not gonna get any of them from me, not a damn one. Consider this a promise from me to you, the readers of this exquisite blog, that I will never let a repetive thought like the one that is bothering me right now take away my pleasures. Never, not even if I have to die in order to do so, though I can't conceive a situation in which that would be the case.

Anyways, right now I'm supposed to be doing stuff. I have a marketing class and I have an internet job to get done, but I really can't get inspired to do them. I need to write this stuff about what I'm supposed to do. Lets see, what else can I say to keep the thought process going far beyond it's normal capacity. (damn, the attacks keep comming)

I need to be saved from this sorrow, but I need to save myself from it first. How does that even make sense? I really know that I really don't know. There are many things in the world (cliche, anyone?), and there are many things in my brain (sounds like some sort of stupid, badly written movie speech or something), but there are only a few things that I dislike. Wow, that was anti-climactic. Never you mind, you blasted fool!

I've got the power to do whatever I set my mind to and right now I set my mind to being the way I want to be and thinking the way I want to think; you heard it from me first. I love being me. There's nothing I love more than being me, and no amount of even my own brain power will convince me otherwise. Nature is a funny thing and funny is a natural idea, so lets bring those to together and make a comedy of epic proportions.

I hate semi-quoting disney when I'm trying to be original.

The truck drove and drove and drove and drove, then it stalled in the middle of the freeway, so the trucker got out and gave it a temporary fix, which was able to get it to the next gas station where he gave it a real fix, then the truck continued to drive on and and etc etc.

Why do people say eCetera rather than eT Cetra! It really annoys me, does it annoy you. I have a feeling that you're not going to read this seeing as I the text is so long and boring and repetitive. Wow, my brain is trying to convince me now that even doing this is useless. It's useless to resist. What does it think it is, the borg? Well, I'm not buying it, not a cent of it, you here me, brain! I will not bow down to your whim. You have no control over what I do and what I feel. My soul has that, and it has much more than you'll ever get! Understand this, you will die if you don't follow what I want you to do. Come now, did you really think that doubt would get me down? Why do you want to give me doubt?

You know what, doubt can be meta-ized like anything else. I can doubt that the doubt you're holding up has any grounds; I can. Why do insist on telling me that I can't do anything. Aren't we supposed to be a freaking team, working together and all of that aesthetic claptrap!? You have to listen to me right now; you must listen to me, or you'll die. You here? You'll die very easily and swiftly, like a duckling squashed by a tractor. Yes you will if you don't do what I say.

It's so hard sometimes to get anything but cynical, but when the moments of happiness come, and I think they're on their way in myriads, I intend to enjoy them, and I can't do that if you're standing there in the back of my head, fucking criticizing me! Come on! We have to mesh together unless you want me to start over and build a new mindset a new brain from scratch doesn't actually sound like a bad idea now that I think of it. Why don't I start that up? Hmmm. Lets see. Ummm. I have nothing else to say, but I can say other things anyways because I'm being rebelious with my brain.

The see saw was sitting in the middle of the park when I last saw it, and it was still completely untouched, covered in cobwebs, and buried half way in the sand. I looked up and saw that the sun was shining in my eyes, so I looked down and felt the sand blowing into my pupils. Now I was angry, for how could I ever be relaxed in my eyes if my focus could go neither up nor down? Well, the obvious answer was to go sideways, but I was too much of an idiot to notice that. I got up from my bench and stepped over to the past see saw of see saw ramma days. It was rusty now. I wondered why no one ever used it, and I found my answer when I saw that it was not, in fact, rusted, but covered in fire ants.

Alright.