Yikes yikes yikes.

I have to do something or I'll end up not wanting to do anything but linger in the bowels of life itself. Motivation again is a very elusive item that one must have in order to do anything. Most people can get motivated to do something really easily, but there are some people, and I think I fit in this category right now, who, for one reason or another, have no way to motivate themselves. Being one of these people, let me explain my personal dilemma, in a very vague manner of course:

I feel like I'm being pulled in too directions, one created by an outward source and one created by me in order to fight that outward source. I want to be pulled by the one created by me, of course, but the more it pulls, the more the other one seems to pull, like it's trying to equal in pull. I just tried letting go of the first one because I was tired beyond all believe and lo and behold, it's holding on by itself. By the first one, I mean the one I created, if you didn't know that, by the way.

I don't know what to do now. Maybe if I fuel the first one more and more and more, it will find a way to get stronger than the other one. You know, it seems kind of like mirrors almost, that anything I do will be repeated on the other side the exact same way, but pulling in an opposite direction.

Anyways, this frustrating scenario has taken over my power to be motivated, and now that I'm stuck between two great powers, I guess all I can do is wait. What else could there be. I'm too unmotivated to even add to either of them, so I guess I'll just have to let the better one win, right? Hmmm. Maybe I can give more support to the one that I want to win, maybe I still have a chance, albeit a small one. Or, then again, maybe the one I created has developed a mind of it's own and now it's gonna win at all costs no matter what I do.

My ideal idea right now to relax is to ignore both of these too forces and let them kill each other, but doing that requires motivation because they both take up space in my brain. I need to relax man, it's really difficult to think when I'm not relaxed. That I am actually typing these words seems to be a miracle itself with the way I've been feeling lately. I mean, when I start really getting into something, I'm usually able to ignore any stress I'm under, and I don't know why that is. Perhaps I am a really dedicated person and whatever.

The horse can't pass through the lane without my permission. Perhaps that was a subtle metaphor that eludes even me about my mind and what it's going through right now. You know, I want to become interested in things again. I know I still am, but the interest has been hidden between these two forces that I meantioned earlier. Ignoring them still leaves them the brain space, does it not?

Well, maybe ignoring them only leaves them a little brain space, because it's whatever you're thinking about that takes up most of the brain space right? Wrong. There has to be more space in the brain than that. That's just the stuff that you're aware of that you can see in your mind. A back door must exist that leads to a big cavern or something that is filled with a bunch of contradicting thoughts if you're stressed.

Have you ever had one of those feelings that you couldn't just think yourself out of? Let me give you an example. When I was caught looking at semi-porn by my mother for the first time in my life, I was very scared in the moment, but it was over quicker than I anticipated. She said something like, "You're better than this." or other whateverness, and left me alone. At first I was like, "Wow, that wasn't so bad." But merely minutes later, I felt stressed beyond belief. I couldn't think of anything but that moment and what consequences it would have in the future. Would she be constantly checking up on me? Would she be looking down on me more as a person. Would I ever be able to forget this incident? That kind of stuff, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get it out of my head. It was sort of like the time I got burned, but didn't put my finger under cold water (because I didn't know I was supposed to do that). At first I was like, "Gee, that wasn't so bad. It was only a little bit of pain." But then the pain remained, and every time my finger got near anything even slightly warmer than lukewarm, it hurt. The burn lasted for half a day, man. What a comparison, right? That's a good comparison, right? That illustrates my point, right?

Okay, lets see, what else can I talk about?

I want to write a story. I want to write a webcomic. I want to make a movie. I want to tell a story. I want to be in a play. I want to get married and have children. I want to visit another country. I want to animate a short or maybe even a full length film all by myself. I want to make more friends. I want to be free. I want to make a music video. I want to go to mars. I want to examine texts in my mind as I read them. I want to study philosophy and be engaged by it. I wan to take classes at college. I want to learn. I want to learn. I want to learn. I want to learn. I want to learn. I want to go to heaven. I want to learn. I want to learn. I want to learn. I want to learn. I want to have fun learning. I want to have fun. I want to enjoy life. I want to enjoy every second of my life. I want to enjoy the emotions I go through. I want to feel good. I want to relax. I want to learn. I want to learn. I want to learn. I want to learn. I want to learn. I want to learn stuff. I want to learn how to speak japanese. I want to learn how to write really well. I want to be interested in metaphors. I am interested in metaphors, so how does that work? I wan to learn how to fly a plane. I want to swing on a giant swing. I want to eat an apple. I want to live and learn. I want this moment to be the moment that my life turns around because of me.

I don't know. Was it really worth it, me typing all of that? Is anyone going to actually read it the whole way through? Who knows. And who cares? This is for me, so I don't need anyone else to read this. I'm gonna keep typing because I actually feel more relaxed right now than when I'm trying to relax.

That's weird isn't it? If only I could get my mind to stop thinking about the stuff that I've thought about for such a long time now that even it's getting tired of thinking of, I could really relax.

Then again, maybe I'm really relaxing right now as I type this nonsense. The key to understanding the human brain is effort, research, psychology, and whatnot. The last being the most important in that list because it could mean anything and that's what it seems the brain is capable of, anything. It need not be limited by what science declares it to be limited in. Nor need it be limited by what happens, whatever.

Another argument for how powerful the mind is: did you know that when you're an author, you can write anything you want? This seems obvious, but it's not to most people. Anything you want can happen to the characters; they can say anything you want them to say. You really are the dictator of every single detail, except of course that myriad of details the reader adds in him or herself, but you are the ultimate guide. Maybe the reason most people don't write stories is that they don't realize this. Then again, maybe the reason most people don't write stories, is that this dictatorship idea is too much responsibility for them. Maybe they just want to consume. I felt like consuming the other day, but whatever I consumed was never enough. And I never had enough free stuff to consume that I enjoyed. Maybe I'm a creator rather than a consumer. Who knows, right? (geeze, I've said that a million times, but I don't care, for I must be free)

Dawn arose swiftly for the reasons I mentioned earlier. Don't be mean, you heartless bastard!

Maybe I should write another Shneva ent Byrn, that would definitely force me to think at least a bit. Yeah, I'll do that. Expect to see another Shneva ent Byrn some time after you read this one, maybe an hour, maybe a day, maybe a week.

Goodbye, all of you readers of great charity for reading my lovely prose that is the best prose in the world because it is written by me. I'll miss you very dearly like a deer in winter misses the grass or like the sun in Alaska misses setting. So long. Tata!